The Writings of Beaver Cleaver
Maple Drive News: Episode #70, Beaver's Newspaper
EDITOR-IN-CHEIF: Beaver Cleaver
EDITOR-IN-STAFF: Lawrence Mondello (Temporary sick)
TYPEWRITING: WALLY CLEAGER
DOG FIGHT
There was a dog fight at Vista Drive.
The dogs were Cheif that lives at 8718
Lakeview Terrace and another dog who
we don't know his address. The dogs was
not hurt. If you see the other dog tell
him to go home even though you don't
know where he lives.
CORRECT TIME
If you want to know the coorect
time call the phone company but
do not talk to the lady because
she is a record
NOTICE
At 8509 Grant Avenue there is some
boys every day that is throwing dirt
in Linda Thomspon and Shelly Thomp-
son's hair. Mrs. Thompson would
like if the boys throw dirt
in other kids hairs besides Linda's
and Shelly.
The frozen stick ice cream man was around yesterday and also Johnny, the ice cream man was around yesterday. If they both come around again tomorrow, buy it from Johnny.
Most Interesting Character: Episode #78, Most Interesting Character
The Most Interesting Character I Have Ever Known, by Beaver Cleaver
First Draft:
The most interesting character I have ever known is my father, Mr. Ward Cleaver.
My father was born right here in this town and still lives in it. He has a very
interesting job. He goes to the office every day, except Saturday and Sunday and
Christmas and Thanksgiving and all the other holidays and he is also married to
my mother and has two sons, me and Wally. The interesting things he did today
was put up screens. He also took the car to get a new fan bell, which was loose.
He can fix things and can take a pill without water.
Revised by Wally:
The most interesting character I ever knew, was my father, Mr. Ward Cleaver. He
was born at the mouth of the Amazon, which is a river, and when he was a baby,
he was stolen out of his crib by a crocodile, and in the nick of time, he was
saved by a friendly headhunter with a blow gun. During the war, he was a secret
general, where he had many interesting experiences. Now he has a job in an
office, but he really works for the FBI. On Sundays, he goes to the beach and
saves a lot of people from drowning.
Final Report:
The most interesting character I have ever know is my father, Mr. Ward Cleaver.
He does not have an interesting job, he just works hard and takes care of all of
us. He never shot things in Africa or saved anybody that was drowning, but
that’s all right with me because when I am sick he brings me ice cream and
when I tell him things or ask him things he always listens to me. He used a
whole Saturday to make things in the garage. He may not be interesting to you or
someone because he’s not your father, he’s mine.
Monday: Went to school. Came home. Had Lunch. Ate it.
Tuesday: Went to school. Had lunch. Came back home.
Wednesday: Went to school. Had lunch. Came back home.
Thursday: Went to school. Had lunch. Saw dead cat. Came back home.
Friday: Went to school. Had fight with big kid. Beat him up! He cried. Came back
home.
The Duck & The Bear poems: Episode #36, Beaver's Poem
One I wished I was a duck
Cause most ducks have lots of luck
They swim around all day in a pool.
And mostly never have to go to school.
Then I saw a duck
Hanging in a butcher store
And I didn’t want to be a
A duck no more
I would like to be a bear
gay and happy, free from care
that’s the life like no other
climbing trees with my mother
Note forged by Wally for Beaver: Episode #3, Beaver gets ‘spelled
Dear Miss Canfield,
I have received your note dated two days ago, the one sent home with Theodore. I have whipped him, his father has whipped him. He is sorry, we are very sorry.
Your friend,
Mrs. Ward Cleaver
(Theodor’s mother)
Beaver's fictitious war letter from Ward: Episode #48, Beaver's Hero
Dear June,
I'm sitting here with my submachine gun waiting for the enemy to attack.
They haven't arrived yet so I'm writing you this letter. Me and all the
other brave men have been here on Wake Island for two weeks. This
morning I volunteered for a dangerous patrol and captured 65 prisoners
single handed and the general said, "Good job Ward". He said he wished
he had more men like me. I have to finish now as I hear the enemy
approaching.
Signed your friend, Ward
P.S. I got your last letter and I am sorry you lost all those metals I
sent you.
Beaver's
Treasure Island report: Episode # 89, Beaver's Library Book
Treasure Island
By Robert Lewis Stevenson
By Theodore Cleaver
It's about a boy, he lives with his mother and he finds a map. Then he goes to
an island, but before he sits in a barrel of apples and then he comes home and
he's nice to his mother.
The End
Note
to get back on bus by Wally: Episode #79, School Bus
My dear Mr. Crawford,
I am writing this letter to you because I am sorry I hit Charles Fredericks on
the bus on
the head. You are such a good bus driver that any one who would make trouble on
your nice bus is very bad and won't do it again. If I ever get to ride on your
nice bus again, I would just sit there and do nothing.
Your Friend,
Theodore Cleaver
Letter
of Resignation: Episode #104, The Club
I, Beaver Cleaver,
resign myself from the Bloody
Five on account of I don't
want to belong to the Bloody
Fives no more.
Yours Truly,
Theodore Cleaver
Beaver's
Composition: Episode #110, Mother's Day Composition
My Famous Mother
By Theodore Cleaver
My famous mother ran away from home when she was 17 to be a
dancer. She tried to get a job dancing as a chorus girl. But she couldn't so she
got a job dancing in dives. Also beer parlors and joints. One day a big gangster
put my famous mother in a show and she was a big success. Then the gangster got
arrested, but my mother didn't. She was in five more shows, but quit when she
married my father, who was a tap dancer.
Knighthood
Oath: Episode #115, Beaver and Ivanhoe
I hereby swear to be a true and noble knight and defend all kinds of women
and slew dragons and right wrongs and help the poor and to be a loyal subject of
my sovereignish lord.
The For Sale ad:
Episode #88, Beaver's Prize
For Sale
A red sports car with an up and down top
which is brand new. The car was won in
a contest by Theodore Cleaver who is too
young, so is going to college instead of
having fun so call WH12738 and ask for my
father, who is selling it for my own good.
Forged note: Episode $156, Substitute Father
Dear Miss Landers,
We are all shocked by what the Beaver said. Especially my wife who is a lady. I have washed his mouth out with soap and have beat him up three time. Because I have done this good, I won't have to come down to school.
Yours Truly,
Ward Cleaver, Theodore's father
Prisoner's Letter: Tell it to Ella
On school nights my parent won't let me go out, they say it makes my schoolwork suffer, but all my friends can go out on school nights. I think they are being unfair. What do you think? Signed Prisoner.
I agree with your parents, if your school work is suffering, you should stay home on school nights and just see your friends on weekends - Ella
Lost Dog Ad: Beaver and Poncho.
I found a dog. The dog is brownish with no hair. I got the dog from my friend Larry but it was not his because Whitey found him in his garbage pail. If the dog you lost is the one I found, I'm the one who found it. Signed Beaver Clear.
Found Wallet Ad and Reply: Beaver Find a Wallet
I found a green wallet in the gutter with 89 dollars in it. It was on Grant Ave. near tenth street on Saturday and if you lost it, you can get it at the Mayfield Police Station. Signed Theodore Cleaver.
Dear Mrs. Tomkin, Thank you for sending me the radio for finding your wallet in the gutter. Everytime I play the radio or it wakes me up, I will think about you. I hope you will also think about me sometimes. Yours truly, Theodore Cleaver.
The Three Musketeers Book Report: Book Report
The three Musketeers by Alexander Dumas. The story start in Paris when D'Artagnan meets these other fellow and after awhile they begin singing up and down the street and they all go into this hotel, where the three funny guys. They all started plucking chickens and throwing the feathers all over the place, then a whole bunch of policemen showed up and there was a big fight. Now the Musketeers find out that Lord Buckingham is plotting against the country, so the Musketeers take after the Lord on horseback and chase him across the country, but just as they are about to catch him, they come to a windmill and it knocks the three Musketeers off their horses and then they grab onto the windmill and Lord Buckingham turn it up real fast and they go spinning around and around and finally they go flying over a barn into a haystack.
The Autobiography of Theodore Cleaver by Theodore Cleaver: from Beaver's Autobiography, Episode #200
I was born in the middle of the African jungle. My father was a famous newspaper correspondent and was writing a story about some cannibals, my mother went with him to make sure they didn't eat him alive or something like that, so that's why I was born there. When I was little I played with all the cannibal kids and their monkey friends, it was real fun especially when they went out headhunting. Sometimes it was very hard to find enough head for everyone, so some of the kids let me play with their heads, that was real neat. When I was a little bigger, the King and Queen of England asked my father to come over to England to have tea and crumpets with them because they were such good friends. So my mother and I went with him. We lived with them in Windsor Castle for a long time and I got to be real good friends with their little boy Charlie. Everybody else called him Prince Charles. Then my father was sent to interview the Sultan of Morocco, so we rode on camels for 30 days, bouncing up and down.
Horse for Sale Ad: from A Horse Named Nick
Horse for sale - genuine circus horse for sale, intelligent, does not eat much. Very cheap, blanket included, can do tricks like playing dead.
My most exiting experience by Theodore Cleaver - third grade. My most exciting experience was last summer. I went fishing, I went to Crystal Falls. My father and mother and brother went to Crystal Falls. My father caught four fish, my brother caught for fish, I caught on fish and my mother didn't catch any fish because she stayed on the dock with the lunch.
